inside the mind

11-5-23

finally no longer think about her. just thought id add an update and not add anymore because theres no more thoughts pertaining to this page. no idea where she is in life and thank god. she wasnt right for me at all. triton dont be a fucking retard and date egirl cyber bitches again. go outside XD. mwua

feeling: normal :)

17-4-23

I GOT GOLD IN LEAGUE! and that retard peaked silver. god dam she is ass at league

feeling: god complex

11-4-23

i was literally delusional, fuck that bitch LMFAO

feeling: realization

8-4-23

this is a passage from april 3rd which i think is important for myself to add. 9:40pm is when the note was written.

"after taking a bath, and watching blue lock."

yes i miss her. but i miss the lifestyle more. hence me wanting to move.

you dont miss something that caused you so much pain daily.

You miss being independent. and having someone that cared for you when things became stressful. y else would i be on * at her place? think triton. sure i also miss the sex, but theres sex in every relationship. thats not the primary reason of what i miss. but triton think. did you really love her?

i dont have the answer. i think i did truly at the time. but after what happened, i can only help to think i feel nothing in relation to love at her anymore. i dont know.

o yeah, reminder: green christmas sweater i got from the mall in mons, so comfortable. keep wearing it. i forgot i had it.

found this passage i wrote days before leaving her place. i should've trusted myself.

image of notes confirming my thoughts before leaving her place

feeling: 7/10. confused but confident.

3-4-23

today was rough. i blocked her on everything because i was upset about her going to that place even though she said she doesnt wanna date anyone. but since i have no contact to her anymore, i feel so empty. im working on myself & skills to increase my value as a man and make myself look better towards others. this journal helps.

my arms are so sore from working out. my yorick is getting better. but i got autofilled supp which hurt my LP today.

i wonder if she thinks about me sometimes.

feeling: 2/10, i just want a hug.

26-3-23

i want to disappear forever.

feeling: nonexistant

27-2-23

a plan is coming along. focus studies. get it done. aim for the fear. and conquer it. dont run triton.

feeling: Prepared.

17-2-23

drank the damn mass gainer. ate too much. fuck. pain. too full. anything for gains. but fuck.

feeling: fuck

07-2-23

meh

feeling: meh

01-2-23

good day overall. terrible league day tho. lost everything. does the pain ever end? i wanna swimsuit bodeh... hm hm hm

feeling: p good

30-1-23

not a terrible day overall. lots of studying. took lots of notes. taking a test tomorrow. excited because i think im well prepared. did research on apartments aswell. even though moving to japan is my plan right now, i have my eyes open for any europe careers that could open for me. after studying, i ate dinner. then studied some more. until around 8pm (now), im playing euro truck sim 2. played a bit of val earlier to help rank up one of my friends from where i used to live for uni. theyre pretty bad. getting kinda demotivated by league, its frusterating that there are so many people that are good at the game, yet i just cant grasp the basics. it feels like never-ending failure. but i will figure it out. my brain just isnt wired for moba games. i point guns and click on peoples heads. epic sauce. i wonder if she got my package. i hope she likes it. took forever to ship. cring.

feeling: bit overwhelmed but could be worse.

26-1-23

lol. i missed a lot of days. expected. she reminded me to add to it again. even though my intentions weren't for someone to look at these, but just for myself to speak my mind and reflect on, theres something nice about knowing theres someone out there giving a few seconds of their day to scan upon these random lines of text. i studied quite a bit today. played a bit of csgo with an old russian friend. it was nice, was a long time since ive played with them. theyre about to have a kid now and they're my age. insane! is it insane? not sure. societal norms might say not so much but who cares what society thinks. im happy for them. i also had 2 coffees today. usually its 1 or 0 coffees in a day. but today it was 2. pretty neat huh? she also sent me a package today of some sort? im really curious what it is. i was told not ot open it until my bday, but thats gonna be difficult. ill keep my word though. i guess ill finish off this post with me being content. last few weeks. extremely stressful. but im feeling content i think. yeah the life im living rn isnt the easiest. but it could be way worse. theres always someone who has it worse than me. it doesnt invalidate my feeling of stress and anxiousness, but it keeps my mind open to the idea that the things im going through will be overcome and it could be a lot worse. bye.

feeling: hopeful.

19-1-23

good day. played league and fortnite. lots of fun. gotta finsih a shit ton of lessons today. not fun. but worth it in the end. looking into buying massgainer. i really need to gain weight and i have troubles doing it. hard for me to consistently eat. mentally and physically. so this stuff should help since 1 drink is like 1k calories. hell yeah. love u. fuck its depressing

18-1-23

today was more serious. . . I focused on studying and managed to get a section done. I've planned out to get more done. played more league. trying to get better. need to learn to kite better.

17-1-23

i cant remember. just league. also bought her a present.

16-1-23

today i worked on cijas website. didnt really come out that great. good learning experience though.

15-1-23

today started really shit. like really shit. and it kept being shit for a bit. but things slowly got better. started to get real with myself. im coming to realize that life is just a never ending (for now) path that goes on with undetermined directions. It's literally all random. if i wanted to, i could buy a ticket to africa, hide in a hut there, and never communicate with anyone ever again. and so knowing that, its helped me also realize that i shouldnt think far into the future and worry as much as i am now, because this shit is random. yeah i can guess what i want/will do in the future, but i dont know for sure so its pointless to worry about it so much. cant wait for april to come by.

14-1-23